How did I get here? That's the question I've been asking myself. What do I say? How can I rectify these broken dreams? My broken heart? What do I say to God? How can I come to terms with what's happening and be okay with it all? What do I say to my church, my friends, my family, when the hard questions eventually come?
The reality is, I've been hiding. I'm not ready to face anything yet. I like to think I'm a strong and confident woman, but I'm not. I'm weak and I'm scared and I have no clue what I'm doing. Don't look at me, don't smile at me, don't talk to me about your happy marriage when my own has fallen apart.
The reality is, I've been hiding. I'm not ready to face anything yet. I like to think I'm a strong and confident woman, but I'm not. I'm weak and I'm scared and I have no clue what I'm doing. Don't look at me, don't smile at me, don't talk to me about your happy marriage when my own has fallen apart.
What kind of Christian woman can't save her marriage?
I am living in a housefire, dogpaddling in a flash-flood, groping about in a black room.
Do I wish for reconciliation?
NO.
Why, then, do I grumble?
Ah, the broken dreams, the broken heart. These are bleeding out on the floor and I can't seem to stop them. I remember the hope of my wedding day. The joy of my babies being born. The peace in knowing I had someone to grow old with.
I have betrayed myself. That young girl with stars in her eyes... look what has become of her. Did she waste her life? Did I betray God by being unable to uphold my marriage vow? It slipped through my fingers like water. It blew away on the wind. What great shame I feel for not being able to make it work, for watching him leave for her house, for being alone, for seeing so many I know and love wearing rings, growing old together. Married.
Happy.
I am living in a housefire, dogpaddling in a flash-flood, groping about in a black room.
Do I wish for reconciliation?
NO.
Why, then, do I grumble?
Ah, the broken dreams, the broken heart. These are bleeding out on the floor and I can't seem to stop them. I remember the hope of my wedding day. The joy of my babies being born. The peace in knowing I had someone to grow old with.
I have betrayed myself. That young girl with stars in her eyes... look what has become of her. Did she waste her life? Did I betray God by being unable to uphold my marriage vow? It slipped through my fingers like water. It blew away on the wind. What great shame I feel for not being able to make it work, for watching him leave for her house, for being alone, for seeing so many I know and love wearing rings, growing old together. Married.
Happy.
.
.
.
.
.
I was a bird trapped in a tiny room.
"Where is the sky?"
*Nowhere*
"Why can't I fly?"
*This is your cage*
"God! I need Your help!"
He handed me my pen -
And with it, helped me unlock the cage door.
Did I do the right thing? Second-guessing is second nature these days. Yes, I believe I did. But the blowback is far beyond any pain I have ever known. This is why God hates divorce. It is destructive and it barrels through a family like an F5 tornado.
I must stand on my own now. I need to forge a new way and do what I've never done before. Independence. Strike my own path. Pay my own rent. Service my own car. Let me be honest; life is scary without a man. Can I do it? Yes. But security is gone, headship is gone, feeling safe...
...is gone.
AND YET.
EVEN SO.
BUT GOD.
He has not left me comfortless. I have the full support of my church. I am covered in prayer. I am confident He will lead me where I am to go.
Christ is my Head. Christ is my wisdom. Christ is the one holding me up and keeping me from disappearing beneath the waves.
None of this came as a surprise to Him. That wedding day, so long ago, He knew. He had a plan; He would give me a family, He would make me a wife for a season. He would bring me to Oregon.
He would save me in truth.
He would give me a church family. He would give me people who love me and hold me up to Him. He would grow me in wisdom and knowledge and give me the pen of a ready writer. He would use all these things for His glory.
He used my years as a stay-at-home mom to give me a quiet classroom to study His entire Word.
He used my years as a romance author to hone and sharpen my writing skills to be used to praise His name.
He used my unequal yoke to draw me closer to Him, to seek out His tenderness, to yearn for Christ's banner of love over me.
He used all my experiences to give me unique perspectives.
I know what it's like, shackled to the precipice, peering into Hell.
Did I do the right thing? Second-guessing is second nature these days. Yes, I believe I did. But the blowback is far beyond any pain I have ever known. This is why God hates divorce. It is destructive and it barrels through a family like an F5 tornado.
I must stand on my own now. I need to forge a new way and do what I've never done before. Independence. Strike my own path. Pay my own rent. Service my own car. Let me be honest; life is scary without a man. Can I do it? Yes. But security is gone, headship is gone, feeling safe...
...is gone.
AND YET.
EVEN SO.
BUT GOD.
He has not left me comfortless. I have the full support of my church. I am covered in prayer. I am confident He will lead me where I am to go.
Christ is my Head. Christ is my wisdom. Christ is the one holding me up and keeping me from disappearing beneath the waves.
None of this came as a surprise to Him. That wedding day, so long ago, He knew. He had a plan; He would give me a family, He would make me a wife for a season. He would bring me to Oregon.
He would save me in truth.
He would give me a church family. He would give me people who love me and hold me up to Him. He would grow me in wisdom and knowledge and give me the pen of a ready writer. He would use all these things for His glory.
He used my years as a stay-at-home mom to give me a quiet classroom to study His entire Word.
He used my years as a romance author to hone and sharpen my writing skills to be used to praise His name.
He used my unequal yoke to draw me closer to Him, to seek out His tenderness, to yearn for Christ's banner of love over me.
He used all my experiences to give me unique perspectives.
I know what it's like, shackled to the precipice, peering into Hell.
God, in His mercy, has freed me from that chain.
He opened the prison door.
He loosed me from the millstone.
Still, I must wait.
Still, I must wait.
Now, but not yet.
Separated, not yet divorced.
But one day - soon.
A seed must germinate. Roots must grow. A tender shoot must rise out of the ground before it ever becomes a stem. Be patient, your bud shall bloom. This is the end of that old life, but this is not the end; this is a new beginning with God, in His name and for His glory.
This is a life redeemed by God Himself, not only spiritually, but physically. This is the unstoppable power of Jehovah Jirah, God my Provider, taking care of His precious, sighing daughter. This is Yahweh Sabaoth standing up and sending His Host to fight for her. This is the God of Glory shining His favor down from Heaven. This is the Lord Jesus Christ rescuing a weary woman by His will alone, much like He did in the Gospels. This is tender-hearted Yeshua of Nazareth, offering His gentle hand to the woman crying and trembling in the corner.
The old things have passed away. Behold, all things have become new.
He heals the brokenhearted and binds up their wounds.
Rejoice, ye woman of God! Storm and gloom have broken upon the dawn of a new day. He is the Bright and Morning Star. He will never leave thee, nor forsake thee. Hope shines all the brigher now, moreso than that wedding day of old. Now, I look toward that Wedding Day in Glory, with my beloved Christ forever.
Look up, sweet woman
There is the sky...
You are free to fly as you will!
Where is the limit?
What... Who...
...awaits beyond that horizon?
Long have I waited upon the Lord.
O, how I wish to soar --
Teach Your dove to fly, precious God!
