The Rebirth of Rebecca

Time has been short, but also long, on this journey since my divorce. You might be wondering how I am doing and what I've been up to since my last blog in January. I am doing amazingly well, all things considering. I have learned two things traveling this road: God answers prayer and God sees me. 

If anything has convinced me that all of this is His will, it's how fantastically He's taken care of me through it. At my last writing, I had just moved into an apartment with my oldest daughter and her little family. I was awaiting my divorce to come. 

It came on January 13th.

Due to a delay in communication between the court and my lawyer, I didn't know it was final until January 19th. The last week and a half of January, I fell apart. I felt as if I had been carrying so much for so long, that now it was over I shattered all over the floor. Emotions I held in check for 6 months while I lived in that same house all came out at the same time. Hurt, shame, anger, disgust, and disbelief, but most of all, a deep and withering sorrow.

I begged God's forgiveness like a child clutching on to Daddy's legs - "I'm sorry, Lord, I'm so sorry. I'm sorry I couldn't hold on to my vow. Forgive me. Please forgive me."

I cried for the life I had lost, not only the failed marriage and the lost hope, but the years I can never get back. Was it all a big waste? Vanity and wind? And of course I also had to deal with being so easily cast aside. Was I so forgettable? Unloved? Unworthy to be loved? 

Needless to say, God had a HUGE mess on His hands. He rolled up His sleeves and got to work.

My biggest fear was going back into the workforce. I hadn't worked for over 20 years. I had no experience other than some random office work in the 90's. All I knew was how to write. I remember my sister once said something about freelancing so I looked into it. I found a website called Upwork and made some decent money. One of my clients offered me a job at her virtual assistant firm and I accepted and continued to freelance on the side. Her company was so small and she had maybe three clients, but she needed help and I was that help.

Fast forward throughout this year and, praise God, her company has grown 7 times over! She has hired several more VA's to handle the load, and I have officially been given the job title of COPYWRITER. My skills were better used for writing blogs, newsletters, and web copy for various clients rather than setting appointments and doing research. I still freelance through Upwork and I have earned myself the Top Rated badge, a feat I never thought I'd be able to do.

I get to work from home and I'm able to set my own hours. Due to my rheumatoid arthritis, I am regularly fatigued and often in pain. I was worried about not being able to hold down a regular 8am-5pm job. God knew this and gave me the perfect job. 

Not only that, He gave me a career.

Regardless of where I work now, I will always be, officially, a copywriter. In fact, my boss told me she's gained new clients for the simple fact that she has a copywriter on staff. Due to her rapid growth, she will likely need to hire more copywriters in the future, and she has already told me when that day comes, to prepare myself to become a senior copywriter.

Writing for my job? This is a dream come true! Thank You, Lord, thank You!

While thriving at my job, I was also coming into a season of a renewed self-image. Something magical happens when a woman who has only known fallow ground is allowed to bloom in good soil. I was finally out of a toxic situation. I was writing my own narrative. I was not constantly fed someone else's perception of who I was, and not overlooked for who I had truly become. 

When you're in the trenches, it seems normal. Your perception is twisted and you believe what you've always been told about yourself. I had felt such shame in leaving, but the more I told stories to my horrified friends, the more I realized exactly what God had saved me from. With my nose in Scripture and always constant in prayer, God began showing me how much I was truly loved, by family, by friends, by my church, but most importantly, by Him. We sing about His love, we have faith in it, but when we see God move in our lives in powerful and tangible ways, there can be no doubt of His glorious and redeeming love.

In an effort to take back that narrative and become who GOD created me to be, I had my portraits taken. I wanted to see myself with new eyes and discover how others see me. I wanted to prove to myself that I am a beautiful woman, beloved by God, worthy, called, and chosen by the King of Heaven Himself. 

"Consider this Lily, how she grows," He declares. "She neither toils nor spins, yet I tell you, even Solomon in all his glory was not arrayed like her."

I have so many stories of how God has been good to me, from getting myself health insurance for my expensive RA meds, to paying my self-employment taxes, to buying my car a full set of tires, to registering my car, to getting my own car insurance, a new phone, a gym membership, and on and on. Not only that, but my little church devos have gone out into the world through a free downloadable ebook and I hear touching stories all the time of how they've touched others for the glory of God. 

What a glory, to bring such glory to the God of All Glory!

Speaking of glory, one last thing. Just within the past two weeks I have found that I have curly hair. Who knew? Certainly not me! I am discovering things about myself I never knew, and I am so ready to go on this journey of self-discovery. 

If a woman's hair is her glory (1 Cor. 11:15), behold this magnificent new glory Christ has given me.

I am beautiful. 
I am loved. 
I am worthy.
I am HIS.

Amen, Lord Jesus. I will spend the rest of my life thanking You with every single breath and heartbeat You give me. Praise the Lord.

The Awesome Providence of God

I want to take the time to tell of how God has been with me on my journey through my painful, but not unexpected, divorce. Everything that has happened from the first day of my journey until now has been the providence of God. My last blog post was heart-wrenching, yet even so, ended on a hopeful note. God is in this, and He has made it quite obvious to me.

I am not the only Christian going through the end of their marriage. But perhaps my story might inspire others on their own journey and have hope for themselves that God still sees, He still hears, and He still magnificently provides.

I won't get into the details of why. God knows why, and that is enough. Suffice it to say I stand upon both Biblical precedents for divorce, one given by the Apostle Paul, the other given by our Lord Himself. I will say, however, that I was the one to seek to be loosed. Some Christians might raise a brow at that, but let me preface my words by saying I prayed hard. I pressed in. I searched the Scriptures. I went to my elders. I asked for prayer. I begged God to show me the way. I sought divorce because I knew he is codependent and would never seek it himself regardless of any and all dysfunction. 

My question to God was this: "Can the text of 1 Corinthians 7:15 be interpreted as abandonment without him physically leaving the house or seeking divorce?" In other words, is it possible to still be physically present, yet abandon your spouse emotionally and sacrificially?

The answer I got? 

Yes.

Some might not agree with that. Even I struggled after the decision was made. Had I done the right thing? This isn't explicitly spelled out in God's Word, after all. But the Bible is rife with so many admonishments against unbelievers and how Christians are to deal with them in life, not to eat with such a one, to kick the dust off your feet, that bad company corrupts good morals, and the like. Yes, we are told to love our enemies, and that a man's enemies are those of his own household, yet surely a Christian woman who adores the Lord Jesus and happens to be married to Nabal is not in lifelong bondage to this millstone dragging her to the depths? 

God Himself freed Abigail. I believe God Himself likewise freed me. 

However, I was willing to wash my hands of it all, even if it meant never being able to marry again according to Scripture. I told God this, and continued on toward the end my marriage.

But the Lord provided even here. While I still believe I had biblical precedent to divorce according to the Apostle Paul's stipulation of abandonment, shortly after we decided to divorce (but before we were even legally separated) God graciously gave me our Lord's provision as well. I will not lie, I was gutted and I didn't understand why this was happening so fast, yet I realized two things. First, God showed me that yes, this divorce was absolutely His will. Second, even if anyone could dispute my first reason, they cannot dispute the Lord's. With it, He gave me an amazing grace.

It was as if He said to me, "Do not fear, daughter. Look, see! I have given you full freedom. Now, if you will, you may remarry."

This was a deep and rich grace for a heart that genuinely wishes to be known.

Since then, I have had to endure a very painful shoulder surgery and the three-month recovery. But in the midst, I became a successful freelancer with my writing, as well as an independent contractor for an online business. I couldn't work physically, but I could type, so I asked God to help me and He did. Now, praise the Lord, this is my sole source of income.

I have been able to stockpile my RA medication, as I won't be insured for much longer. That's been all of God. I was able to have dental work done due to a previously unknown large credit on my dental account. I was also able to get the remainder refunded. I received an unexpected, and very humbling boon from an old friend who felt as if God laid it on her heart to help me build my nest egg. My daughter and I were able to move out together to an amazing apartment where we can each save money every month rather than struggle to pay rent on our own. We even have a garage where I can charge my hybrid car, a periphery concern of mine. 

I don't know if it is relevant to God's working, but I realized the other day that our move-in date, January 7th, is six months to the day I knew my marriage was over. Six agonizing months, not only in trying to make sense of it all and work through my dark and heavy emotions, but in physical pain as well with my shoulder recovery and how helpless I was in taking care of myself.

Perhaps my shoulder surgery serves as a metaphor for my life, as a housewife of over 20+ years, now having to face the world alone and make a living for myself, I had to hide away for a time. Indeed, I was helpless in a way. Everything scared me and I had to take things slow. God knew this, and grew me over these past 6 months. 

Ah, saints, do not belittle the power of your prayer closet. Likewise, do not belittle the power of intercessory prayer. I believe I have survived due to the prayers of others. Knowing others held me up to God was my one balm. I was dead, raw, beaten down, wrecked, and yes, even hopeless for a time. But we bear each other's burdens, amen? God heard these prayers and got to work rebuilding me from the ground up. He is still restoring the remnants of my heart. There are a great many things I have yet to work through. 

I don't know how I'll ever trust another again. But nothing is impossible with God. Aside from that, all these things have greatly humbled my feminine heart. However, I have hope that if God gave me His own provision that I might one day remarry, perhaps there is another who can help me understand and show me the glory of how God intended marriage to be. I hope so. I pray for it often.

But I am not ready. I need to stand for myself, find myself, and ...love myself. As of this writing, I am about a week away from once again being a single woman. I pray for wisdom, for discernment, and for boldness. I pray for God's continued guidance and provision, for His tender care, and for all my children to heal. 

I pray I never take marriage for granted again. I pray I will be shrewd and critical regarding a man's spiritual life and doctrine. Any man who approaches me now will be vetted hard. Let me see your Bible. Is it pristine or well-read? Let me hear of all your answered prayers. Let me witness some for myself. How do you spend your time? How do you serve your church? How do you love the people of God? How deeply do you adore the Lord Jesus? Let me witness your passion. Do you live for Him, or do you live a secular life with Jesus pinned to your lapel? How do your friends speak of you? Of your faith? What does your family have to say? How much do you pray for me? How will you lead me? Provide for me? Care for me? Honor me? Sacrifice for me? Die for me?

A woman should not place herself in submission to a man until these questions be answered. It's a tall order, I know. Which is why I won't worry about it. I'm going to let God sort that out. I'll just be over here praising Jesus that He set me free, to the full, in His name, and for His glory. Maybe someone will take notice. But what is that to me? I follow Christ! Amen? 

Amen. 

Thank You, Lord Jesus, for setting this captive free. My life is Yours, come what may.

~~Becka