Time has been short, but also long, on this journey since my divorce. You might be wondering how I am doing and what I've been up to since my last blog in January. I am doing amazingly well, all things considering. I have learned two things traveling this road: God answers prayer and God sees me.
If anything has convinced me that all of this is His will, it's how fantastically He's taken care of me through it. At my last writing, I had just moved into an apartment with my oldest daughter and her little family. I was awaiting my divorce to come.
It came on January 13th.
Due to a delay in communication between the court and my lawyer, I didn't know it was final until January 19th. The last week and a half of January, I fell apart. I felt as if I had been carrying so much for so long, that now it was over I shattered all over the floor. Emotions I held in check for 6 months while I lived in that same house all came out at the same time. Hurt, shame, anger, disgust, and disbelief, but most of all, a deep and withering sorrow.
I begged God's forgiveness like a child clutching on to Daddy's legs - "I'm sorry, Lord, I'm so sorry. I'm sorry I couldn't hold on to my vow. Forgive me. Please forgive me."
I cried for the life I had lost, not only the failed marriage and the lost hope, but the years I can never get back. Was it all a big waste? Vanity and wind? And of course I also had to deal with being so easily cast aside. Was I so forgettable? Unloved? Unworthy to be loved?
Needless to say, God had a HUGE mess on His hands. He rolled up His sleeves and got to work.
My biggest fear was going back into the workforce. I hadn't worked for over 20 years. I had no experience other than some random office work in the 90's. All I knew was how to write. I remember my sister once said something about freelancing so I looked into it. I found a website called
Upwork and made some decent money. One of my clients offered me a job at her
virtual assistant firm and I accepted and continued to freelance on the side. Her company was so small and she had maybe three clients, but she needed help and I was that help.
Fast forward throughout this year and, praise God, her company has grown 7 times over! She has hired several more VA's to handle the load, and I have officially been given the job title of COPYWRITER. My skills were better used for writing blogs, newsletters, and web copy for various clients rather than setting appointments and doing research. I still freelance through
Upwork and I have earned myself the
Top Rated badge, a feat I never thought I'd be able to do.
I get to work from home and I'm able to set my own hours. Due to my rheumatoid arthritis, I am regularly fatigued and often in pain. I was worried about not being able to hold down a regular 8am-5pm job. God knew this and gave me the perfect job.
Not only that, He gave me a career.
Regardless of where I work now, I will always be, officially, a copywriter. In fact, my boss told me she's gained new clients for the simple fact that she has a copywriter on staff. Due to her rapid growth, she will likely need to hire more copywriters in the future, and she has already told me when that day comes, to prepare myself to become a senior copywriter.
Writing for my job? This is a dream come true! Thank You, Lord, thank You!
While thriving at my job, I was also coming into a season of a renewed self-image. Something magical happens when a woman who has only known fallow ground is allowed to bloom in good soil. I was finally out of a toxic situation. I was writing my own narrative. I was not constantly fed someone else's perception of who I was, and not overlooked for who I had truly become.
When you're in the trenches, it seems normal. Your perception is twisted and you believe what you've always been told about yourself. I had felt such shame in leaving, but the more I told stories to my horrified friends, the more I realized exactly what God had saved me from. With my nose in Scripture and always constant in prayer, God began showing me how much I was truly loved, by family, by friends, by my church, but most importantly, by Him. We sing about His love, we have faith in it, but when we see God move in our lives in powerful and tangible ways, there can be no doubt of His glorious and redeeming love.
In an effort to take back that narrative and become who GOD created me to be,
I had my portraits taken. I wanted to see myself with new eyes and discover how others see me. I wanted to prove to myself that I am a beautiful woman, beloved by God, worthy, called, and chosen by the King of Heaven Himself.
"Consider this Lily, how she grows," He declares. "She neither toils nor spins, yet I tell you, even Solomon in all his glory was not arrayed like her."
I have so many stories of how God has been good to me, from getting myself health insurance for my expensive RA meds, to paying my self-employment taxes, to buying my car a full set of tires, to registering my car, to getting my own car insurance, a new phone, a gym membership, and on and on. Not only that, but
my little church devos have gone out into the world through
a free downloadable ebook and I hear touching stories all the time of how they've touched others for the glory of God.
What a glory, to bring such glory to the God of All Glory!
Speaking of glory, one last thing. Just within the past two weeks I have found that I have curly hair. Who knew? Certainly not me! I am discovering things about myself I never knew, and I am so ready to go on this journey of self-discovery.
If a woman's hair is her glory (
1 Cor. 11:15), behold this magnificent new glory Christ has given me.
I am beautiful.
I am loved.
I am worthy.
I am HIS.
Amen, Lord Jesus. I will spend the rest of my life thanking You with every single breath and heartbeat You give me. Praise the Lord.
