How Did I Get Here?

How did I get here? That's the question I've been asking myself. What do I say? How can I rectify these broken dreams? My broken heart? What do I say to God? How can I come to terms with what's happening and be okay with it all? What do I say to my church, my friends, my family, when the hard questions eventually come?

The reality is, I've been hiding. I'm not ready to face anything yet. I like to think I'm a strong and confident woman, but I'm not. I'm weak and I'm scared and I have no clue what I'm doing. Don't look at me, don't smile at me, don't talk to me about your happy marriage when my own has fallen apart. 

What kind of Christian woman can't save her marriage?

I am living in a housefire, dogpaddling in a flash-flood, groping about in a black room.
Do I wish for reconciliation?

NO.

Why, then, do I grumble?

Ah, the broken dreams, the broken heart. These are bleeding out on the floor and I can't seem to stop them. I remember the hope of my wedding day. The joy of my babies being born. The peace in knowing I had someone to grow old with.

I have betrayed myself. That young girl with stars in her eyes... look what has become of her. Did she waste her life? Did I betray God by being unable to uphold my marriage vow? It slipped through my fingers like water. It blew away on the wind. What great shame I feel for not being able to make it work, for watching him leave for her house, for being alone, for seeing so many I know and love wearing rings, growing old together. Married.

Happy.

.

.

.

.

.

I was a bird trapped in a tiny room. 

"Where is the sky?"

*Nowhere* 

"Why can't I fly?"

*This is your cage*

"God! I need Your help!"

He handed me my pen -

And with it, helped me unlock the cage door.

Did I do the right thing? Second-guessing is second nature these days. Yes, I believe I did. But the blowback is far beyond any pain I have ever known. This is why God hates divorce. It is destructive and it barrels through a family like an F5 tornado.

I must stand on my own now. I need to forge a new way and do what I've never done before. Independence. Strike my own path. Pay my own rent. Service my own car. Let me be honest; life is scary without a man. Can I do it? Yes. But security is gone, headship is gone, feeling safe...

...is gone.

AND YET.
EVEN SO.
BUT GOD.

He has not left me comfortless. I have the full support of my church. I am covered in prayer. I am confident He will lead me where I am to go.

Christ is my Head. Christ is my wisdom. Christ is the one holding me up and keeping me from disappearing beneath the waves.

None of this came as a surprise to Him. That wedding day, so long ago, He knew. He had a plan; He would give me a family, He would make me a wife for a season. He would bring me to Oregon.

He would save me in truth.

He would give me a church family. He would give me people who love me and hold me up to Him. He would grow me in wisdom and knowledge and give me the pen of a ready writer. He would use all these things for His glory.

He used my years as a stay-at-home mom to give me a quiet classroom to study His entire Word.

He used my years as a romance author to hone and sharpen my writing skills to be used to praise His name.

He used my unequal yoke to draw me closer to Him, to seek out His tenderness, to yearn for Christ's banner of love over me.

He used all my experiences to give me unique perspectives.

I know what it's like, shackled to the precipice, peering into Hell. 

God, in His mercy, has freed me from that chain. 

He opened the prison door. 

He loosed me from the millstone.

Still, I must wait. 

Now, but not yet. 

Separated, not yet divorced.

But one day - soon.

A seed must germinate. Roots must grow. A tender shoot must rise out of the ground before it ever becomes a stem. Be patient, your bud shall bloom. This is the end of that old life, but this is not the end; this is a new beginning with God, in His name and for His glory. 

This is a life redeemed by God Himself, not only spiritually, but physically. This is the unstoppable power of Jehovah Jirah, God my Provider, taking care of His precious, sighing daughter. This is Yahweh Sabaoth standing up and sending His Host to fight for her. This is the God of Glory shining His favor down from Heaven. This is the Lord Jesus Christ rescuing a weary woman by His will alone, much like He did in the Gospels. This is tender-hearted Yeshua of Nazareth, offering His gentle hand to the woman crying and trembling in the corner.

The old things have passed away. Behold, all things have become new. 

He heals the brokenhearted and binds up their wounds.

Rejoice, ye woman of God! Storm and gloom have broken upon the dawn of a new day. He is the Bright and Morning Star. He will never leave thee, nor forsake thee. Hope shines all the brigher now, moreso than that wedding day of old. Now, I look toward that Wedding Day in Glory, with my beloved Christ forever. 

Look up, sweet woman 

There is the sky...

You are free to fly as you will!

Where is the limit?

What...  Who...  

...awaits beyond that horizon? 

Long have I waited upon the Lord.

O, how I wish to soar --

Teach Your dove to fly, precious God! 

A Study of the Woman Caught in Adultery

In my regular Bible study, I came across the familiar story of the woman caught in adultery in John 8:1-11. Reading it recently, it fascinated me and I noticed many things I hadn't noticed before. It's been awhile since I've done a Bible study on my blog, so let's get to it.

First of all, the scene. Christ is teaching in the early morning at the temple (John 8:2). Not too soon after He sits down to teach, the scribes and Pharisees drag in a woman whom they claim was caught in the act of adultery. They pose a question to our Lord about the Law of Moses, and what He recommends to do with this woman. But John 8:6 claims they said this to test Him, to bring a charge against Him.

Let's stop right there. Right out the gate, we see these evil men are using the woman for their own gain. They are not seeking righteousness according to God's Law, they are trying to find some way to trap Jesus in His own words. If this woman was indeed "caught in the act" of adultery, and if indeed they were trying to trap Jesus with the Law, it is quite likely and highly probable the woman was set up. She was either a well-known prostitute, or the Pharisees knew she was someone's mistress, perhaps one of their own ranks. Perhaps she was wooed into it by a regular, or coerced to lie with her lover that night specifically in order to carry out this plan - unbeknownst to her. I do not believe these men caught her on a whim. This was no chance meeting. They did not rejoice that some random, serendipitous opportunity to trap Yeshua fell into their laps that very morning.

No. This was planned, and the Pharisees likely had the woman's lover in their back pocket.

Maybe they had given him a handsome sum, as they had with Judas. Perhaps they knew her lover's patterns and knew he'd be with her that morning. Perhaps he tipped them off and told them he would go in to her and they could find her with him in the morning. Whatever happened, it was planned, because they specifically used her situation to trap Christ.

Interesting side note, this woman was not the married party in the "adultery" charge, as there is no husband present accusing her before Christ. Therefore, the adultery came on the man's side - HE had been the married party - and notice he is conveniently absent from this exchange. Likely the scribes and Pharisees wanted a flesh-and-blood human to confront Christ with, as hypotheticals never seemed to work to trap Him. Since the man had presumably tipped them off, they hadn't dragged him along with them. But Christ would not be able to ignore a woman who had blatantly broken the Law of Moses. Another thing to note is that they seemed sincere with their inquiry in John 8:4 by calling Yeshua "Master". Yet another pretense.

Let's move on to the woman. She had been caught in adultery, which means, likely dragged from her bed in the early morning hours and brought straight to the temple. She was probably naked with maybe only a blanket covering her. I doubt the indignant Pharisees would wait for her to properly clothe herself. A naked woman would only serve to further their evil agenda.

She did not fight their charge or even say a word in her own defense. The charge was true. She had indeed spent the night with a married man. Imagine what was going through her mind at this point. Barely clothed, standing in the TEMPLE with the Jewish leaders, in front of a man the people believed to be the Messiah Himself. Every eye was on her. The poor thing must have been trembling and terrified. I can imagine her face wet with tears; maybe she hid her face with silent sobs. How could she stand it, being humiliated before all of Jerusalem in the holiest place on earth, accused before this very man who could do such amazing things?

No other man had ever cared for her. There might have been someone at one time, but seen as how she was a married man's lover, she either prostituted herself to him to get by, or she fell in love with absolutely the WRONG MAN. If he sold her out to the Pharisees, he cared nothing for her. Not only that, she stood guilty in the house of God. Both the fear of man and the fear of God must have been upon her. How long had it been since she'd set foot in the temple? If she was a woman of ill-repute, probably a very long time. She knew she didn't deserve to be in such a sacred place. She was going to die. She was preparing herself to be stoned.

And yet... this teacher stooped to write on the ground. He didn't seem perturbed at all by these men as they continued to ask Him. He did not grow angry, seem indignant, wrathful, or even particularly merciful. He was quiet for a little while. Then, He stood. He did not suggest they set aside the Law of Moses. In fact, He endorsed it in a genius way, instructing them to let the one who is without sin cast the first stone.

This was it. The woman knew this was the last moment of her life. She might have tensed up, or prayed desperately and fervently for God to forgive her sins. Christ, being Himself God in flesh, and knowing the hearts of all men, likely heard her prayers - if she did indeed pray and repent in that moment - of which I believe she did.

With a calm answer, Christ revealed to the scribes and Pharisees that the Law is a mirror to reflect our sins back at us, not a list of works to be made righteous before God. No one is faultless under the Law. The older men realized this first, who gave up and left, leaving the younger men to follow (John 8:9). They weren't about to go against their elders.

Once they were alone, Christ asks the woman, "Does no man condemn you?"

I can imagine the fear she had of opening her eyes. The sharp way she might have darted her head around. She probably looked like a deer in the headlights. I'm sure she probably swallowed hard a few times before answering Him.

"No man, Lord."

Let's stop here for a moment. A little while before, the Pharisees had insincerely called Christ "Master", yet this woman, in all submission and fear, calls Him, "Lord". She meant it. She said it without question. She was convinced this man was indeed the Messiah. She had just witnessed Him get the best of the holiest men in Israel with a simple pointed statement, which had revealed all of them needed a Savior!

Still wrapped in nothing but a blanket, her voice was probably timid and soft, not wanting to incur Yeshua's wrath as well. The interesting thing about Christ's question to the woman is that He was Himself a man. While her accusers had left, He was the only one left who could actually accuse her. He was, in fact, the only man present without any sin.

Yet He gives the woman the magnificent mercy of God: "Neither do I condemn you. Go and sin no more."

Looking into His kind eyes, this woman who had been so used by evil men, in her body, in her soul, and in her heart, saw for the first time true love, real respect, absolute gentleness, and sweet tenderness in the face of a man. This man, the Messiah, sent by God, in the midst of the temple, with nothing to offer Him but ...herself in a blanket.

I imagine she probably ran off, wanting desperately to be out of the spotlight, away from the scrutiny. If she held it together, she likely fell apart once she got home. But I am certain of one thing. Her entire life was changed. We don't hear anything more about her specifically, but she would have remembered Yeshua of Nazareth for the rest of her life. She would have listened to every word from His mouth. She would have followed Him to her grave.

Those who are forgiven much love much (Luke 7:47).

This woman had once loved the wrong man, but for the first time in her entire life, she loved the RIGHT MAN, the God-man, the Son of Man, the Lord Jesus Christ, who fought for her while she was as still as a lamb, who'd beaten back the ravening wolves from His precious sheep with sharp and brilliant precision, and saved a helpless woman from the snares of death.

She entered the temple naked and terrified; she left the temple forgiven and loved.

This is the glory of the grace of Christ, who came to earth to save sinners. O, how our precious Lord loves His daughters! I do not believe she went back to her lover or her life of prostitution. She had been forgiven by the Lord God! She would now live for Him with every beat of her heart, every breath in her lungs, and every word from her mouth.

Obviously I cannot say for certain this woman felt all these things for Christ, I can only judge through the lens of my own experience. But as a woman who has often felt used, unloved, and terrified, I can testify that one glance from the tender eye of Christ has ravished my own heart, and thus, seeing Him before her bodily, how much more did His glance hit its mark and claim her heart forever?

Amen, Lord. Thank You for loving us, for loving this woman, for loving me, so beautifully and completely.

Walking in the Power of God

What does it mean to walk in the power of God? Very simply, it is walking by the Spirit in faith and total abandon to our Lord Jesus Christ. I'm not talking about performing miracles, signs and wonders, or anything mystical. No. Rather, the power of God is given by God to the child of God to do the work of God. The Kingdom of God is not in word, but in power (1 Corinthians 4:20). We can often recognize believers who are walking in the power of God, but we don't really know what it is about them that marks them other than a gut feeling.

Here's my own little list of ten things to recognize those upon whom God's favor rests, which is in no way exhaustive, and is in no particular order. As you read through these things, ask yourself, do these describe you? If not, what actions can you take to be a believer who walks in the power of God?

1.) They're serious about their faith.

First, this believer cannot be blase about the things of God. They think upon them all the time. In fact, they daily meditate on the truths of God and try to understand them as best they can. They are not legalistic, but they believe a true Christian should walk in holiness and godliness, and they strive to that end. They avoid sinful activities and worldliness as much as they can. They're often very deep, and once you scratch the surface, you wonder if you'll ever come to the bottom of their hearts. Sometimes, their seriousness can be a weighty thing, and to the frivolous Christian, they can seem daunting to talk to. This serious soul doesn't want to talk about surface issues, they want to talk deeper realities, Heaven, Hell, life, death, righteousness, and iniquity. Two realities exist for these believers. Either they are regarded as a deep well upon which to draw, or they are avoided all together. Why? Because their seriousness about Christ shines a spotlight on those who are not serious about Him at all. Those who wish to be more serious about Christ draw near, while those who don't care to get closer to Him stand intimidated.


2.) They're living in their gifting.

It is not prideful to know how the Lord Jesus has gifted you. A Christian who knows their gifting will use it for His glory. You can tell when someone is phoning it in, and you can tell when someone isn't. One cannot fake a genuine gift from Heaven without being revealed a fraud. A true gifting is no struggle, it flows out of these believers like a stream of Living Water. When everything they do prospers, then you know you are dealing with a Christian walking in the power of God. The Bible speaks of the "aroma of Christ", and when you witness a believer working in God's power, you know exactly what that means. It is a stunning thing, to watch our brothers and sisters live out what our Lord had planned for them in His Body, as if each one of Christ's children has a unique piece of their Lord to put on display. Sometimes, a believer doesn't know their gifting, but others will know, as those around them will see for themselves the obvious power upon them from the Lord God. 

3.) They're saturated in Christ.

For this Christian, every day is spent with Christ. Perhaps not every single moment, but most of them. These have forsaken the world, choosing only to feed themselves upon things that will edify. They've given up reading fiction, secular music, or watching TV for themselves, and only partake in these when among others who might still enjoy them. Again, this is not legalistic, this is not what they believe all Christians should do, but for themselves, they find no enjoyment in anything apart from Christ. Some of these believers live in a vacuum of godliness and therefore keep themselves saturated in Jesus to ensure they will not fall away. Keeping these things before their eyes keeps their eyes full of light, and their mind on heavenly things. Their entire worldview is shaped through the lens of Christ, and like the Puritans, they can find Gospel lessons in just about anything in everyday life.


4.) They pray without ceasing.

Just as they spend all day in the presence of Christ, these same believers are in a perpetual state of communion with Him as well. They constantly have an open dialogue with Christ in their mind. Their inner dialogue isn't talking to themselves, they are talking to Jesus. Always. If God brings someone to mind, these pray for them on the spot. It is as if Christ is walking next to them all the time. They never leave their prayer closets. While these believers do have a special prayer time set aside to specifically talk to God, they are not "done" talking to God when they say "Amen." It is to these who pray without ceasing, who always have a direct and open line to God every hour of the day, who are led effortlessly by the Holy Spirit.


5.) They're a giver of thanks.

This point is very important. Never do they steal God's glory for themselves. These believers are quick to correct anyone who praises them and points all praise to the Lord Jesus Christ. This isn't in pretense, either. This is no faked humility. This is genuine; they truly do thank Jesus in all they do. Every time you turn around, they are thanking Jesus. Every prayer opens with thanks, closes with thanks, and is filled with thanks. The providence of God is quite obvious to these, and they know that all good things comes down from the Father of Lights. They even give thanks for the hard times and their afflictions, as they know God will work these together for good, and it's the will of God in Christ Jesus for them.


6.) They're born to worship.

These Christians are worshippers. They don't merely sing and dance to have fun, although they do have fun, they truly worship God from the bottom of their hearts and put it on full display without fear of anyone seeing. Again, not for their glory, but because they are totally abandoned to Christ in that moment. Often, they can inspire others to worship more fervently and openly as well. These are like King David, so in love with their God, they don't care who sees, knows, or scoffs; they will raise their hands and shout all the more.


7.) They give all credit to God.

It is God who gives every good and perfect gift, therefore, there is no other source of blessing for these believers. Not only do they take no glory for themselves, but they thank God for the circumstances of life. There is no such thing as luck or karma. All is ordained by the Lord God Almighty, Sovereign over all, whether a meal, a new coat, or a raise at work, and therefore they tell others of these amazing things God has given them. Glorifying God for moving in their lives is tied very closely to giving thanks in all things.


8.) They're mighty in the Scriptures.

Like the Apostle Paul, the Bereans (Acts 17:10-11), or Apollos from the book of Acts (Acts 18:24), Christians who walk in the power of God know the Word of God. They have read it and studied it so much, it is written on their hearts. They seem to pour forth Scripture when they talk, and you likely don't want to get into a debate with them about the subject. They are able to argue God's truth from His Word and point you directly to the chapter and verse where you can find it written. They do not rely upon the chicken wings of daily devotions, but the steak and potatoes of deeper study. One of the ways they stay saturated in Christ is to meditate upon His Word, to ponder what they've read, and tie it to other passages or promises elsewhere in Scripture. Often, these believers will take notes in their Bibles, and you will find their margins full of their thoughts.


9.) They don't rely upon their own strength.

The power of God can't often be put on display if one is boasting in a strength of their own. These believers know they are weak, for God delights in using the weak to confound the wise. Not everyone's weakness will be with disease, old age, or some physical malady. However, God disciplines every son He receives, and those He uses in His power have been humbled greatly. Whatever project these believers set out to do, they know it is impossible to complete unless God is with them in it. Even when they are in their gifting, if God isn't moving along with them, they will struggle to complete the task. There is no room for boasting here. Our flesh is too accustomed to praising ourselves. Therefore this Christian is well aware that all work for God must be done by the power of God to have any effect whatsoever. And once the work is done, they give all glory to God and much thanks for His provision.

10.) They're ever-increasing in wisdom and knowledge.

Through prayer, study, and experience, Christians who walk in the power of God are increasing in wisdom and knowledge in the things of God. Those whom God favors only get better, stronger, and more gifted through the years as they're sanctified by the Spirit. They do not stagnate, they are always moving forward, climbing onward to the city of God. They might supplement their Bible study by learning of church history, reading old sermons, or reading books from men who have gone on before them. There is no such thing as knowing everything they need to know, so they are always learning, a perpetual disciple. They have a hunger to know their Lord, and they will not stop learning of Him until Christ calls them home to Glory.

~*~*~

These are some of the distinguishing marks of a Christian walking in the power of God. Notice how these marks resemble those Christians of the first century. Believers such as these are not content to merely show up to church, they hunger and thirst for their God and chase after Him with everything inside of them. He is their Grand Pursuit, their One True Love, the Great Passion of their lives. This is what separates them from the crowd and why others can tell there is something different about them. 

God is the focus of their lives, the driving force, the One for whom their passions ignite. He is not a part of their lives, He is their life. Every breath is the Spirit, every heartbeat is Christ.

The simple fact is this. God uses those who are sold out for Him. He uses people who take Him seriously, who look around this world and lament the many who are perishing. They have no use for wasting time, they want to work for Jesus and store up treasures in Heaven. God favors those who glorify Him in truth, who want nothing more than to glorify Him through their lives. Our Lord looks at the heart and can clearly see if this desire is true or feigned. If it is feigned, nothing one can ever do will be able to counterfeit the power of God. 

But if it is true, nothing can stop a Christian faithfully praising the One who is the Giver, the Sustainer, and the Creator of all things, for He is with them in power and great glory.

Amen.

The Glory of God in the Heart of a Woman

Back in December, I wrote a piece about the glory of God in the heart of a man. I wrote it not only because Christ is truly God and truly man, but also that Christ is alive in the brethren, looking out through our eyes. To those who've never witnessed a true, godly life, it is glorious to behold. Being a woman myself, I cannot help but stand in awe of godly brothers, as compared to the unrighteousness so common in men of this world.

However, it occurred to me as I live my own life, striving to walk by the Spirit rather than by the flesh, it might help to write another piece, from my own perspective, about the glory of God in the heart of a woman. I think she is likewise breathtaking, when considered against worldliness, vanity, and the war on femininity in these days.

Scripture certainly seems to agree, considering the Proverbs 31 woman, Peter's description of true beauty, and how wisdom is personified as a godly woman.

There are several examples of godly women all throughout Scripture, and even though you do not see them, you love them. If you are a Christian, you cannot help but be struck by stories the likes of Mary of Bethany or Dorcas of Joppa. These were well-beloved, precious women. Why? Because they reflected Christ and loved much. They poured out their lives for their Lord, and in that was their beauty.

He was their beauty.

Here's where I think godly manhood and godly womanhood compliment each other. In a godly man, you witness the strength of Christ, the love of Christ, and also the tenderness of Christ. In a woman of God, you likewise see the tenderness, love, and strength of Christ, perhaps in varying degrees, but also, a woman shines His profound beauty.

Don't get me wrong, men absolutely do this as well. Christ's beauty can and does shine through the hearts of men. But it is not a man that Scripture describes as a lily, a dove, or more precious than rubies.

Why?

Take this for what it's worth, but this is my own experience with the matter. Women, for all intents and purposes, often leave scholarship to men. They are content to pray and get together with their sisters and do their Bible studies. There is nothing wrong in this! Many a lovely, saintly woman has marched on to Glory doing the same.

However, there is something to be said for the woman who takes the time to dig in and learn of her Savior, to appraise that Heavenly Jewel, to plunge into His Well, to drink deeply from His Fountain.

This gives women of God something of a "double portion" of the beauty of Christ. Not only does she know her Lord, she has a living and active relationship with Him that is unmistakable. She is not shallow, she is deep. She is not sparkling, she is radiant. Her glory is Christ's glory very much present in her. It is almost a tangible thing. Those around her can feel it in her presence. She does nothing but walk past, yet, it seems as if Christ Himself had done so. What is this specific glory?

It is called unction.

Unction is an old-timey theological word which means "anointing". We as Christians all have unction as we all have the Spirit of God alive within us, but this precious woman practically bathes in His Living Water. God Himself has poured out His glory for her, answering her prayers and anointing her life. How does this happen? Through a surrendered life. A truly surrendered life.

Men and women can both have God's unction upon them, but I believe it manifests in men and women in different ways. Men with unction protect the truth of God's Word and are bold and fearless when it comes to rebuking error and drawing lines in the sand for Christ. Women with unction nurture others, encourage the Body, and look to their Lord with eyes filled with His beauty. She makes Christ beautiful to those around her, and that is her special glory.

Because of this, women of God with unction of the Spirit are very precious to Christ. Not every believer sees His glorious beauty, or even has any familiarity with the "beauty of Jesus". But when they see her, they see Him. His beauty is unmistakable, shining from her face in radiant glory, as Moses descending Mt. Sinai.

She has spent many long and quiet hours with her Lord, sitting at His feet, learning of Him. She is storing up treasure in Heaven. She is even more of an anomaly if she is grown in the wilderness, with no other spiritual influence upon her. Driven by Christ to pursue Him no matter the personal cost to her, He has fashioned her for Himself as a mirror, if you will, that reflects Him to His Church.

"...beautiful as the moon, bright as the sun..." ~Songs 6:10

Even more, Christ makes absolutely certain that all will know His work in her is HIS WORK in her. These women are widows or unequally yoked, those bent over with disease, or the aged matriarchs of the family. In other words, these women are weak, frail, scared, lonely women. Often these are the ones overlooked by those in their family, who have endured great hardship, who had nowhere else to turn but to the Lord Jesus Christ.

And He has accepted them mightily. What lovely grace has He bestowed, to call these women His daughters? What manner of love has He given, that these might be called the children of God? What magnificent glory does He lavish, that these women fall deeper into the heart of Christ than anyone else they've ever known?

In short, Christ still has His Mary's of Bethany and His Dorcas's of Joppa within His Church. Perhaps their purpose in the Body is to showcase the transcendent beauty of Christ in a real and tangible way. These precious women will be looked upon in awe and wonder, so be advised, men of God, they must be protected. The beauty of Christ is magnetic yet divisive, and many will wish to adore and possess her, cruelly scoff at her, or wickedly use her for their own gain. If there is a woman with unction of the Spirit in your midst, protect her with your life if you have to.

She is the rarest of flowers in His garden, wondrously loved and exquisitely cherished by Christ. What the Great Husbandman has grown for His glory, let no man pluck for himself.

Amen.